


Super Psycho Love

by ninalanfer



Series: Nihlus the Survivalist [4]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Community: masseffectkink, F/M, M/M, Masturbation, Super Psycho Love by Simon Curtis, Torture, Turians, Unrequited Love, female turian - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-07-21
Updated: 2014-09-03
Packaged: 2018-02-09 19:31:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 16,647
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1995147
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ninalanfer/pseuds/ninalanfer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Saren/Nihlus (Kryterius) - The apprenticeship for the infamous Spectre is taking it’s toll on Nihlus. But it isn’t the dangerous missions that has him lying awake at night, twisting and turning. Oneshot set in “Nihlus the Survivalist” universe. Masskink prompt. Theme music: Super Psycho Love by Simon Curtis.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Creating an Interest

**Author's Note:**

> Original Promt: http://masseffectkink.livejournal.com/7799.html?thread=38301559#t38301559
> 
> "So I was listening to super psycho love by simon curtis. Somehow I ended up thinking about saren and nihlus while listening to it, so I would like something with the those two turians inspired by that song.  
> Smut is very much welcome but other than what's written above anything goes."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If some scenes seem similar to 11_Gadget_27's work it's because I share those headcanons. And if you haven't checked out that library yet, you really should.

I wasn't like this. When I looked in the mirror I hardly recognized the turian looking back at me. The markings were the same. The white stripes going down from my fringe and ending sharply at my chin were as familiar to me as anything could be. But the normally energetic green eyes had lost some of the hidden glint. The mischief waiting just under the surface wasn't there anymore. The bags under them were new too. My dark scales had lost some of the luster that signaled a healthy turian. The tone had dulled and they felt coarse and dry under my fingers when I rubbed them over my face to wash off the tiredness that seemed to linger there.

Most people didn't seem to notice my change in attitude either, or maybe they did, but didn't dare to comment on it. The advantages of my occupation I guessed. I didn't really have any friends. Against my own best attempts at keeping my temperament in check it had a tendency to flare out, lash out on things and wreck havoc. It had almost cost fifty civilians their lives not a week past. It still haunted me, how I almost became the reason why their families would never see them again. But that wasn't what kept me up at night, twisting and turning in my bed.

How had I let myself become like this? But I knew the answer. The answer was a name.

_Saren Arterius._

.-oOo-.

It had started a good while after my apprenticeship with the seasoned Spectre. I knew him by now. We had lived together on his ship for almost a year. I respected him, trusted him, sometimes feared him. He was everything I wanted to be and then some. The job as his trainee was just as hard as I'd had imagined. Maybe more. He put an enormous amount of pressure on me, expected me to live up to a certain level. But I knew he would never ask something of me that he didn't ask of himself, and if he could do it, I could do it, I just had to try hard enough.

Our friendship, if you could call it that, hadn't come easy. Saren had strict rules and he expected me to follow them to the letter. When I didn't he forced them on me, which didn't go very well with the kind of person that I was. Taken from the turian military because I couldn't follow orders, wouldn't follow orders, when there were better solutions, had branded me as something of a rebel. He couldn't expect I'd just fall in line and be his little puppet, a mini Saren, but he did, and he got his will through in the end. Just as he did in most things.

We had been on a random world, of which in line I had lost count, in some forgotten village. When I look back on it I can't even remember what we were doing there, what our mission was. It all pales in the memory of Saren shoving me into one of the shadows between two of the houses. It was in the middle of the night, the sun had set a few hours ago. Not that we had seen it much at all during the past few days. It had rained and rained and rained non stop, day and night and the usually hard stomped mud acting as the village roads now reached up ankle deep. I remember the smell of filthy water and slippery earth surrounding us.

We were both panting hard from a run, made more difficult from the loose ground. The tight place we were standing forced our hard armored bodies together. Made them clink and scape against each other as we tried to catch out breaths. His exhaled air had wafted over my face, warm and with a special kind of smell I had come to think of as Saren's own. Metallic and spicy, but round and not harsh. Not the kind of smell that bit your nose and made you want to withdraw. But the kind that lured you in and left you wanting more.

I wasn't sure when or how it had happened, but as we stood there in the silence, a tension had crept up on us. He was watching me, those intense blue eyes almost glowing in the dark. I knew this tension. I wasn't unaware of sexual attraction or how it worked. I'd had my share of tail. But I hadn't expected it to manifest while standing pressed against my sometimes cruel mentor.

That was what took me off guard I think. What lowered my defenses and let me slip into that moment. His eyes going over my face as if he was looking for something, his eyebrows creased slightly in a question. The breath heavy in his mouth. His smell...

My eyes drifted from his, down over his skin and somehow they kept going back to his mouth. I couldn't help myself, not that I tried that hard. His presence was overwhelming and the heat from his breath was on my skin and he was looking at me like that. Something hungry waiting to be let loose. Then a muffled rumble started in his chest and I thought I was going to loose any semblance of self control. Our mouths were so close the slightest head twist would push our lips together.

An explosion was heard from deep inside the jungle and then hurried footsteps slipped and slid through the village.

Both of us were brought back to the now with a start. An old turian curse slipped over my mentor's lips before he looked at me again.

“We need to move,” he said.

I just nodded and followed orders.

.-oOo-.

That was how it had started. Ever since, the memory kept creeping back into the forefront of my mind and it just didn't seem like I could shake it. What really had happened down there on the forgotten jungle planet? Was it something I should pursue? Was it even something I _wanted_ to pursue?

Saren on his part acted as if though nothing had happened. A year of living with the man in close quarters and I still couldn't read him any better than the first day I stepped on board. He was too perfect to show any kind of emotions on a good day, so why would he now?

I studied him where he sat opposite me at the small dinner table. The room was silent except for the low and familiar thrum of the engine. We were slowly heading back to the Citadel to report our success on the mission to the Council. We had a day or so of FTL flight there. Maybe I shouldn't ask? Maybe he'd rather forget it? Why would he not say anything if he felt like talking about it. It wasn't as if he was a shy, young cadet. He never had a problem voicing his opinions on anything before now.

But I couldn't help it when my eyes kept traveling to his face. To the pale skin and the blue eyes. My mind kept calling up the smell of his breath and how close his lips had been to mine. I shook myself where I sat and got up to put away the dishes. Get a grip, I told myself, you're acting like some lovestruck pup who's just grown out his fringe.

“I'll be in the cargo-hold,” I told him and headed down the stairs. I needed to clear my head.

It took me a while to get to sleep that night, still wound up after a hard workout and when I woke up the next day we had already set dock at our destination. The ship was silent when I walked out into the kitchen to get some breakfast. Saren was obviously already ashore.

I had duties that went beyond shooting things. I spent the day stocking up on supplies for our next traverse out into space. When that was done I decided to have a drink and work on my mission report. It didn't go very well, writing had never come easy for me, and it was late when I finally headed back to the ship. I hadn't heard from Saren all day, but that wasn't unusual. We were both responsible grownups and we had done this routine of him talking to the council while I took care of provisions for a long while now.

When the airlock shut behind me I was almost ran over by a turian woman. I veered out of the way just before she collided into my chest.

“Oh, sorry.” She grinned up at me and her dark scales glinted in the low light of the bridge.

“No problem,” I answered and blinked confused down at her. Who was she and what was she doing on Saren's ship?

“I'm Tisha,” she said when she saw my befuddled look. “A... friend of Saren's.” She threw a glance over her shoulder. “You must be Nihlus Kryik.” Her yellow painted mandibles flared out in another smile.

“Yes.” I shook my head to clear it.

“Tish, you forgot...” Saren's voice halted when he turned around the corner from the mess and saw me. “Nihlus, you're back late.” There was an ease in how he just leaned on his shoulder on the wall and crossed his arms in front of his naked chest. He only wore a pair of pants. Pants that were hastily fastened.

I blinked in confusion again. My mind was drawing a blank. Maybe I was gaping, I wasn't sure. I shouldn't be surprised. I knew about my mentor's sexual habits, how he had a bed partner at every shore. But I was tired, maybe a little drunk and the memory of his lips so close to mine was still fresh.

Tisha turned and walked over to the pale turian. She grabbed something from his hands. In my dumb struck state of mind I didn't register what. Maybe that was for the best. She stepped up beside me and palmed the lock to the decontamination chamber.

“See you around,” she said and with a graceful swing of her hips she disappeared behind closed doors.

I walked past my mentor while I tried to clear my head, trusting my body to be able to walk on its own.

“She's something, that woman,” Saren said as I passed him. He was still staring at the place where she had disappeared. There was a satisfied tone to his voice, like he enjoyed that I had walked in on his affair. Like she was a price he could boast with. I bet she felt the same way about him.

“Looked fine enough.” I wasn't totally aware of what I was saying. My mouth just formed whatever words that tried to come out. It's face neighbor had just picked up the smell of sex on Saren. It lay in a cloud around him, thick and sweet and it made my heart thump extra hard. He must just have left the bed. Was the sheaths still warm? I forced my legs to keep walking and not stop and sniff him. “I'll be heading for a shower.” His responding grunt of acknowledgment was distracted enough for me to understand that he was still wrapped up in dark and slender arms.

Heavy armor hit the floor and the dark clatter accompanied me until the shower hit my scales. It was so warm it stung, but it felt good, brought my mind off the throbbing in my chest. Steam soon started to rise and I felt my muscles relax. I let myself lean onto the wall resting my forehead onto the cold tile.

This was the day I decided that yes, I did want to go after it. After Saren. The sharp feeling deep inside told me that I wasn't okay with him seeking out another partner. I wasn't okay with how her arms had recently wrapped themselves around his body. How her fingers had caressed and squeezed his skin. How similar to mine her dark scales had been.

My fingers had trailed down my abdomen as droplets of water sprayed away from my mouth when I breathed deeply. I closed my eyes and focused on the feeling against my soft waist. Let them slip further and further until they were teasing the edges of my lower plates. A shiver ran up through my spine, it felt great.

I'd always had my pick of partners. The image that came with being a rebel from the outer colonies had always drawn companions for me. Even more so after I became a Spectre candidate. But I hadn't had time, or energy, to entertain someone in a long time. Saren didn't mess around in his training and all my free time, what sparingly little I had, was spent at sharpening skills just to keep up. Maybe that was why I had reacted so strongly down on that planet. I wasn't sure I actually _liked_ the pale turian. He wasn't exactly _likeable_. I respected him, sure. His ways, his discipline, his skill. I trusted him, day in and day out, with my life. But I couldn't exactly say I _liked_ the guy. It was probably only pent up sexual frustration. Maybe it was good nothing had happened back there. I probably would have made a fool out of myself anyway.

It didn't take long for the blue color to make itself known. I drew a breath of relief and relaxed even more onto the wall. Rested on the elbow currently not occupied while closing my fingers around it. I softly caressed upwards, my mind drifting. Had Saren made any sound while he sunk into her? I guessed she was a screamer. But him I wasn't so sure about. He was so controlled all the time. What kind of sounds would I have heard if I had arrived a few minutes earlier? Had that rock hard mask of his slipped? Had he lost himself in the act?

I hissed through clenched teeth and rubbed down a bit harder. The thought of my mentor letting go of his control and drawing oh so glorious pleasure from the partner beneath him made me throb in my hand. His cold, calculating eyes would light up just as they did during a good fight. When his thermal clips were almost out and he was surrounded, five to one. He would look down with need in his eyes and claim what was his. Only it wasn't a slender turian woman that lay there looking back up at him.

I wondered what it would feel like when he entered me. How his face would look as he felt me squeeze around him. A keening noise escaped my throat and echoed over the walls in the small confinement. The sound of the water spatter had become a distant buzz in my ears and I could almost smell him on me. The scent of sex so recent in my mind. I wanted to bring him in here. To show him how much I wanted him. Wished him to grab me and stroke me as my fingers did this second.

A shock went through my body. It made my muscles tense and cramp as I felt myself pulse. I bit down on the growl that wanted out as the wall in front of me was splattered with my fluids. The white was quickly washed away by the water still pouring down on me, and disappeared down the drain.

I took a few shaky breaths, trying to get the oxygen back into my blood stream. It was definitely good that nothing had happened back on the planet. I promised myself that when I finally succeeded in sleeping with the older man I would do my best to hold out for more than five minutes.

.-oOo-.

I studied him the following weeks. Saren wasn't the type you simply walked up to and asked if he wanted to fuck you. I needed to learn how he worked. What got him riled up, what he liked, _who_ he liked. What he looked for in a partner. I had a head start in that department. It was impossible to not notice things now when I looked for them, as we spent every day together on his small ship. Turned out I needed that advantage. The pale turian wasn't one to divulge much of himself.

During this time we stayed mostly in space, going from planet to planet. We were trying to bust a drug cartel in the terminus systems. Generally the Council wouldn't care what happened outside their borders. But this time the illegal substances produced and spread through this group made their way into civilized space. Saren figured we should simply behead the snake. He was simple like that, straightforward. It gave me a good opportunity to train my infiltration skills if nothing else.

“A prey who knows he is hunted will run and hide,” my mentor said one time. “Better if we sneak up on him so he doesn't have the chance.”

So we did. Tracked the man system after system. Always under one disguise or another. Unfortunately Saren's face was too known, and in any case his pale hide made him to easy to pick out of a crowd. Good when you wanted to stomp in and wreak havoc and spread fear. Less good when you wanted to keep a low profile. So it fell on me to have the first hand dealings with our sources and the target's henchmen. I took some pride in the fact that my picky teacher thought me good enough for the duty. Didn't mean I had to like the run down places these people kept to.

“It really stinks down here,” I muttered and pulled the collar of the poncho I was wearing higher up around my neck. “Freezing too.”

We were in some forsaken town on some forgotten backwater planet in the outer rim. The air was almost turning my fingers to ice and rain kept drizzling down from a bleak sky. Forcing it's way slowly through the fabric.

“Shut up and pay attention,” my mentor's voice said through the communicator I had tucked in my ear. He sounded particularly grumpy today. I frowned. What did he have to be grumpy about? He was warm and dry up on the ship currently orbiting this horrible rock. “Have you spotted him yet?”

I was meeting one of his sources. He had told us he had information on our target's current location.

“Not yet,” I murmured and turned another corner to yet another grey street. The pollution lay thick in the air and I tried not to breath too deeply.

I didn't know what this guy looked like. I only knew he would wear a brown cap and green jacket. Deciding my best chances to spot him was to stay put in case we went around each other I sat down on a bench on the side of the street. It stood in a place that had once been a green area but had long since grown over due to lack of upkeep. The grass stood high and water ran off the yellowed blades and onto my pants as I walked over to the bench. Great...

The minutes ticked by.

“You sure you gave him the right place and time?” I wondered.

“Of course I did,” Saren grumbled on the other end. “Have some patience.”

I had to suppress a laugh. The man wasn't exactly known for his patience. I could tell he was growing tired of this varren and pyjak game we were playing.

“Oh, I'm not the one who is loosing his mind due to frustration right now.” I grinned for myself. I might not have dared to say such a thing to his face. But being far away enough for him to not directly hurt me helped.

There was only a tense silence in my earpiece.

“Maybe I could help with that,” I suggested. My second vocal cord played and told him just _how_ I could assist him.

I had been laying down flirty remarks for weeks now. So far he hadn't reciprocated, or even seemed to care. This was the boldest one yet so I couldn't wait to hear his response.

“Just keep your eyes peeled,” he said with an even voice.

I held in a gruff in displeasure. Either I had totally misread the situation on the jungle planet or... Was he even interested? He had seemed like it, hadn't he?

But I didn't have time to mole it over. A person in a green long coat and a brown cap walked towards me and sat down on the bench beside me.

“I thought I was meeting Arterius,” a soft voice said.

I glanced at my bench partner and noticed the blue and purples of an asari. For some reason I hadn't expected meeting one on this backwater planet.

“The Spectre is busy at the moment,” I answered. “He sends his greetings though.”

In my ear the turian in question huffed.

“Too bad,” the asari mused. “I would have liked to meet the man. You hear so many things.”

“They're all true,” I laughed. “All the way down to how he eats children for breakfast.”

Purple lips shifted in an amused smirk.

“You know him well?” she asked.

“Not as much as I'd like.” I directed a few hinting harmonics towards my mentor on the other end. She wouldn't hear them, and I wasn't about to divulge my real relationship with the Spectre. “I was told you had some information?”

“Yeah.” The asari stood up. “Follow me.”

I got to my feet, giving her a scrutinizing look.

“Why?” I asked.

“The information is on a disk. I hid it. I wasn't about to be found with it on me.” Without waiting for me to answer she turned around and started walking along the street.

I followed her, but kept a slight distance. This had perked my suspicion. It wasn't the ordinary routine for an info drop. Either she was more paranoid than she looked, or something else was afoot.

The informant turned a corner. It led into a back alley. I hesitated. Not that I was any more safe out on the street. I doubted anyone here would lift a finger to help his fellow man. But I still felt too exposed suddenly, more so without the familiar feel of my armor surrounding me.

“Where are we...” I was interrupted by a few shadows moving out to block my path.

“Nihlus?” Saren's voice sounded tentative in my ear. He could tell something had gone wrong.

One of the shadows moved towards me. It was a large Elcor.

“Superior: I heard you knew Saren Arterius?” the big gray creature said in the Elcor's usual drawling tone of voice.

“Nihlus, get out of there right now!” My teacher growled.

“Knew is a strong word.” I tried not to flinch when I sensed people come up from behind me. A Spectre didn't flinch. Instead I stretched my back and started to calculate my odds of escaping the gathering. It didn't look good. At the very least the Batarian and the Drell behind the big guy had guns. There were no reason to think the people behind me didn't. I was armed, of course I was. But without shields or armor I wouldn't even have a chance to reach for it before I was shot.

“Snarly: Whatever. We're taking you in.”

I had hardly heard the end of the Elcor's sentence until I felt something sharp poke my back. An electrical current went through my body making my muscles spasm. The pavement hurt as I slammed into it face first and the small communicator in my ears screeched from the overload.

The last thought going through my mind before darkness overwhelmed me was that Saren would never have gotten himself captured. I wondered how mad he was going to be if I ever saw him again.

 


	2. How Do You Know Saren Arterius?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: Graphical Violence, Torture, Attempted Non-Con/Dub-Con

 It was dark, wherever it was, when I woke up. I could only make out the contours of a door in the light from the red panel next to it. The instinctual response was to panic. I didn't know where I was or who had me captured. I didn't know what they would do to me or really what they wanted. I took a deep breath and tried to push down the nauseating fear. Analyze what you do know instead, I told myself. Cling to what you can know, not to what may be.

Hard floor, metal. Hands tied behind my back, stuck, tight enough I couldn't move my arms much at all. Feet were also tied. I was lying with my face down. Did I hurt? Was I injured? Important question. I moved carefully, testing my muscles, searching for cuts or bruises. Shoulders hurt, but not terrible. I had probably been carried or dragged by my arms. My left cheek was bruised. I had fallen on it earlier I reminded myself.

Given the circumstances I could have been worse off. I clung to that knowledge. The silver lining in the darkness.

Now, my surroundings. It smelled dusty in here. I closed my eyes and called out once to listen for an echo. It was slight, but it meant it was a larger room, probably high up to the ceiling. I crawled my way over to one side until I hit something solid. I probably looked funny, flopping around on the floor, but who would see me in the darkness? I rolled around so I could touch it. It was hard, smooth. I levered my way up onto my knees and followed the contours of the object with my head. Crate.

I sat down on my rear and rested my back against it. It didn't budge. Some sort of storage room? I couldn't hear any engines running. That was a good sign. That meant I wasn't on a ship and probably still on the same planet I had been captured from. How long had I been out?

The question built cracks in the wall of concrete facts I had built up around me. There wasn't a long way to the nearest planets. Not over a day ride in a proper ship. There were three planets orbiting this sun that were inhabitable. Small ones, relatively to planet size. But finding a lost turian when you didn't know where to start looking would take a long time.

I had started breathing too fast again.

But before I had time to work my way up into a full blown panic the door panel shifted to green and the door opened. I had to squint my eyes from the sudden light that flooded the room. I only saw contours of humanoid shape and size in the doorway.

“He's awake huh?” a gruff voice said and the silhouette walked towards me. I stepped out for a second to tell his, supposedly, comrades, before returning. It was a buff looking turian, with broader shoulders than was usual for us and he was probably taller than me. He grabbed my arms and pulled me up onto my feet. Yes, definitely hurt shoulders. “My boss wants to talk to you.”

“Who's your boss?” I asked and tried to make my voice sound as calm and unaffected as possible. I imagined what Saren would do if he was in my position. Hm... Saren wouldn't be in my position. He wouldn't have walked willingly into an ambush. He would have fought his way out, somehow. Fuck, I wished he was here right now.

“You'll see I guess,” the guard huffed and pulled out a knife from his armor and quickly undid the bindings to my feet. My toes started to tingle with a thousand needles as blood rushed out into the extremities again. He grabbed my arm and started towing me along towards the exit.

I followed him without putting up a struggle. Anywhere must be better than the dark room after all and if I was lucky I could find out where we were while we got to his boss.

As it turned out I didn't. I saw windows, but there was only sky outside. Well, not a ship then, although I had already thrown away that option. It could be some kind of office building. We walked through corridors and passed a lot of closed doors. It was a fair guess, in any case. All the walls had the same unidentifiable color and the same pattern on the floor repeated over and over again. We turned right, then left, left again, walked for a minute and then right again. You could probably get easily lost in here. Everything looked the same.

In front of one door we stopped. The guard palmed the door panel and pushed me through into the room. It was a kind of office. A few desks standing around the room. More than half of them were pushed to the walls however and stacked on top of each other. Obviously this wasn't a place where people came to work every day. Not in the paper pushing capacity anyway.

Behind one of the desks sat an Elcor, but when he saw me he rose and made his way slowly around it. Several other of his crew stood around the room. A few had weapons in their hands, others were working with other things, typing away on their terminals.

“With bravado: Welcome,” he said in the deep Elcor voice. The turian guard pushed me roughly through the room so I stood in front of their boss. “Barely hidden pride: My name is Caltuz Petrosky. I believe you have heard of me?” The leader of the organization we were currently hunting? Yes, yes I had heard about him. I nodded. “With slight threat: You might wonder why you are here. My guys tell me you know the turian Spectre, Saren Arterius.”

“As I told your guys, know is a very strong word,” I objected. Keeping my lower harmonics in check for whoever was listening while all they wanted to do was to shout out how nervous I was. I stretched slightly where I stood.

Caltuz seemed to ignore my protests.

“With indifference: Who are you and how do you know him?” he just asked.

“I'm just a messenger boy.” There was no way in hell I'd tell them I was his protege.

“Tired: Do you really think I will believe that?” he asked. “Openly threatening: I had hoped to do this the easy way. But it is up to you.” His head turned and gestured for a female turian to come over where she sat perched on one of the desks with a SMG in her hand. Her hips moved sinuously as she walked and the light played over polished gray scales. She could have been beautiful was it not for the sinister grin that splayed her mandibles.

A kick landed on the back of my knees and they hit the floor hard. Caltuz made his way back around the desk again and sat down as the turian woman planted herself in front of me, hands on her hips. She gazed down at me where I was perched on my knees and toes. Yes, definitely not beautiful. There was something evil lurking in the dept of her eyes. Something that only came when you enjoyed causing others misery. I had seen it too many times before.

“I'm Sass,” she said, he voice thrumming in the air between us. “And we, my dear, are going to be the best of friends.” The same sinister grin spread in her face. “Only if you decide to do this the hard way of course. But you don't seem like one to talk in a hurry.” A taloned hand cupped my left jaw. It ghosted lightly over my hide, whispering of things to come. My heart started to beat faster in my chest. This wasn't going to be pleasant. “My boss however... Well... he like fast results, so... Tell me, who are you and how do you know Saren Arterius?”

“I'm just a messenger boy,” I repeated.

The butt of her gun came down hard on my cheek and for half a second all I could see was stars.

“I don't actually enjoy hurting you,” she said. _I love hurting you,_ her sub-vocals told me. “And if you answer the question truthfully...” Sass looked over her gun with a lazy glance. “We will let you go.”

Something told me they wouldn't.

She looked down on me expectantly for a while. I didn't budge. I was stubborn by nature, and I feared that quality would be put to the test the following days. When I didn't answer she whacked me again, harder this time. I had to close my eyes for a moment until the world stopped spinning.

“I see this is going to take a while,” she muttered under her breath. _How lovely,_ her half hidden thrills said.

I didn't know how long I was under Sass's care. But when they dragged me back to the dark room later my entire body hurt. She was good at what she did, I could give her that. I wasn't seriously injured. I had seen the same techniques back when I lived with my mom and dad. There was a trick to hurt the victim just enough without doing any life threatening damage, all in the goal of being able to carry on the next day.

I was bruised all over and I was happy I couldn't see myself right now. I must look like a mess. Hunger was also a factor. I felt it starting to creep up on me and I knew they wouldn't feed me to keep me weak. Sass had kept to fists today. She seemed to take a great deal of pleasure in how her hands could cause me pain. I expected either laceration or electricity tomorrow. Either way it wouldn't be pleasant. I hadn't screamed yet and she had seemed a bit frustrated by the fact, so I knew she wanted to change that. But I'd make her work for it.

The floor had barely stabilized beneath me before I dozed off to sleep.

The following days wasn't fun. They woke me by throwing cold water over me the first morning. I'd had better ways to wake up.

“Hello handsome,” Sass greeted me. “It's just going be you and me today.” She grinned as the door shut behind her. She flipped a switch on the wall and a dim light spread over the room. I had been right. It was a storage room. Old equipment lined the walls and crates of different sizes and shaped littered the floor. “So how are we feeling today?” The purr in her voice was all too evident.

“Like crap,” I muttered, not bothering to move from the pool of water that formed beneath me.

Sharp boots on the metal floor sounded and she crouched down beside me and gripped my jaw in her strong fingers. She turned my face this way and that like she was inspecting the damage.

“So sad on such a pretty face,” she said with a sigh. “Come on, sit up.”

I didn't want to move, I hurt all over. But she made me kneel before her. I think she liked me in such a submissive position. Maybe it even turned her on. Sass was a wicked creature.

She brought out a knife and I watched it closely as she closed in. I tried not to flinch, but she must have noticed how my muscles tensed under her touch.

“Lets see...” she muttered for herself, grabbed the collar of my shirt and cut down into it with the blade. The fabric ripped down until my chest was completely bare. Then she slit the arms open, effectively ridding me of the clothing. “I want to try something today.” I felt two cold circles on the small of my back. They stayed there as she came back around. “See?” She showed me her open hand. It was an inch wide metallic plate stuck on a band. She wrapped the band around her left hand. “Positive to negative.” She smiled. “If you are a good boy today I'll only use it on you once or twice.”

I creased my eyebrows in question. Sass crouched down before me and touched my chest, the metallic plate pressing against me. The current of electricity was instantaneous. It shifted trough my body, making my muscles spasm on their way, as the energy flowed from the plates on my back to the one in her hand.

I forced my teeth together and growled through the pain. Sass removed her hand.

“So, are you sticking to your story?” she asked and eyed me carefully. “What is your name?”

“Nezik,” I answered her for the thousandth time. It was the name of the alias I had come to the planet as.

Sass slapped me in the face and for a brief second the nodes connected and made my body strain against my bindings.

“How do you know Arterius?” she asked.

“I'm just a messenger...” My voice cut out as she laid her hand on my throat for a second. The lightning struck again.

“Where is Saren?”

She could go fuck herself, and my sub-vocals told her so when I growled:

“I don't know.”

The gray palm touched my forehead and the arch going through made me shake so violently I almost passed out. She only held me for half a second, but when she released me all I could hear was a loud buzz in my ears and white light danced in front of my eyes.

She worked me over like that for a long time. Asking me questions I wouldn't answer. Pushing my limits to see if I would scream. I didn't, but it wasn't far off a few times. At last she looked into my eyes and shuffled closer.

“It doesn't have to be like this,” she said with almost something pleading in her voice. I was panting hard now, my body shivering in slight after shocks of the electricity. She got even closer, so close I could feel her breath on my skin. “I could make it all go away. The pain. You don't have to suffer.” The hand not holding the plate rubbed lightly against the soft skin over my waist. The touch made me twitch, my nerve endings over stimulated by now.

“Don't...” I swallowed to get some moisture back in my throat after breathing so hard. She caressed me a bit harder, it almost hurt, I was so attuned to the touch. “Don't touch me.”

Her hand stopped for a second and I hoped maybe she would remove it. Then it shifted and started downwards. Was she really going to...? I was reeling from the thought. Please no. I knew it must have happened back where I grew up too. But I had never been subjected to it. I probably had my dad to thank for that. He had tried to keep me shielded for as long as he could from the harsh world he lived in. It hadn't taken long though before the lives of the hardened mercenaries around me started to impact my safe little bubble of peace.

Sass leaned in, her lips brushing just under my ear and her mandibles tickling my cheek. The fragile touch sent ripple effects across my skin. Her hand was lazily playing with the hem on my pants.

“It doesn't have to hurt,” she purred. “You can make it all go away. I can be really nice to you. Would you like me to?” She gripped the front of my pants a bit harder and started to tug them down.

I growled in refusal, a response clear to any turian. _Back off_ , it said. She didn't.

Her hand slipped in and gently, almost not even touching me, traced the seam of my pubic plates. The sensation was just as massive as if she had forcibly opened them. My body shivered in response. I didn't want it too. I really, really didn't want it too. This was sick and I couldn't help how the plates started to loosen up and my natural body fluid started to form behind them. I tried to growl, tried to force my lower vocal cords to do as I said and tell her off. It came off as a half whining, half thrumming rumble. I felt her mandibles flick against my skin and then she pressed her finger a little more insistently against me.

I was tired, I hadn't had any food or water for almost two days. My body hurt from being abused. I just wanted to crawl up in a ball and sleep. Forget what was happening and dream my way out of here.

Every muscle protested violently when I threw myself backwards, away from her and away from her questing hands. I ended up falling on my arms and I realized I couldn't feel my fingers any longer, I wasn't even sure if I could move them. I suppressed the keening whine that wanted to force it's way out of my throat. She wouldn't get to hear my distress. I'd hold out for as long as I could. Deny her the pleasure of hearing it.

When I had regained the pain under control I opened my eyes and looked up at her. Sass was looming over me, her face on the edge of dangerous rage. Her chest was heaving and growl after growl was breathed out through her nose. She knelt, one leg on either side of me and grabbed my neck with her left hand. The hand that still had the plate in its palm. My muscles tensed violently and I bucked up without control, my back arching. Teeth ground together so hard I could feel them almost start to crack. The grip around my neck grew tighter and she lifted my head up from the floor just to slam it back again.

That's the last I remember from that particular session.

The third day I broke. They poured water down my throat and I felt my parched lips cracking as I tried to swallow as much of it as I could. Ending up choking on most of it, my lungs and muscles burning as I fell into a coughing fit. They brought me down to a dark, hot room in the basement. Some sort of old fashioned heating facility. My hands were unbound for a moment and I tried hard to not think about how I could not feel my fingers anymore as they wrapped them right up again high above my head. Leaving me to half hang and half stand om my toes, dangling from an iron pipe. The ache quickly forming in my joints soon had me panting in pain. Sass joined me soon after that.

I screamed that day.

She had moved on to warming a hook in the chemical smelling machine that seemed to heat the old house. The sharp point was jammed in between my scales, the soft tissue beneath sizzling as the iron met with flesh and a sickening smell soon filled the room.

“Where is Saren Arterius?” she hissed while yanking the hook.

I tried to keep the desperate scream of pain from slipping past my teeth, but there was no stopping it. Only white and hot filling up every inch of me. I drew in a deep breath to try to form words.

“I've already... Told... You.” I didn't want to hear how the sub-vocals begged her to stop. “I don't... Know.” That's when she pulled. Making my plates shift up and away from my skin and all I could hear was my own roaring voice.

I wouldn't let him down. He had taken me in when no one wanted to have anything to do with me. My life in the military had been horrendous. Being sent from unit to unit for doing the right thing, being shunned by my team mates because of where I came from. Then he had found me and given me a purpose, a road to travel that fit the one that wouldn't fit. He had taken me in, given me a home on his ship. An education I had never in my wildest dreams been able to hope for. It wasn't always a straight path forward and of course I had ghosts haunting me after almost a year doing what we did. But it was right and necessary and I liked to believe that it was work that my father would have been proud of me doing.

So no, I wouldn't give him up. Couldn't. Not after everything he had done for me, and if I died here I knew I died a better turian than I had been before I met him.

Turned out fate decided to throw me a rope. I don't know how far into the day we were when I heard the first sound of a klaxon going off in the building. It was low however, far up on the floors above ours heads.

Sass paused in her administration of pain for a moment, eyes shifting upwards. Then she shrugged.

“Whatever it is, they won't find us down here,” she said and put the hook back into the fire.

Soon came sounds of footsteps running over hard floor. I tried to keep breathing. A little later I could make out weapons fire and the tiniest of hopes started to light its path in my heart. Sass sent out one of the guards to check out what all the noise was about. He didn't return.

About the time I started to feel like my shoulders were popping out of their sockets the door into the room slammed open with a loud crash. I didn't have energy to lift my head to see who had come through, but a second later the last guard hit the floor with a pained groan and then my tormentor's blue blood spluttered over my chest.

It had happened in less than a second, but for me it could just as well have been a lifetime. I breathed and waited what was to come. Who was the intruder? Would he kill me too? I didn't want to die, not yet. Be the thought of no longer being in pain seemed okay to me. Maybe death would be an alright out right now.

Armor clad fingers pawed my face.

“Nihlus, Nihlus, Nihlus,” I heard over and over again in an almost pleading mantra. Strong emotions washing over my ears in the thrumming behind the voice. My chin was lifted and I worked my eyes open.

My heart almost stopped then. But only for a second. It took a great leap of joy and gratitude and started to pound violently in my chest. Pale, white plates and piercing blue eyes looked back at me.

“Thank the fucking Spirits,” Saren breathed and grabbed me painfully on each side of my head, just below the jaw.

I didn't care, I did even notice. Because he had thrust his lips against mine and now he was kissing me with a desperate heat that made my mind go numb.


	3. Rehabilitation

“You came for me,” I breathed, my voice rough with emotions. I could only guess what my sub-vocals were telling him.

Saren didn't let go of my head for a long while, supported it's weight so he could look at me, his blue eyes studying my face. I wished I knew what he was looking for.

“Of course I came for you,” he said, something grim sneaking it's way around the edges. He let go of me and quickly cut me down from the pipe, catching me as I fell. “Can you stand?”

“Yeah,” I murmured and tried. Failed and forced him to catch me again as my knees gave out under my weight.

“Bullshit,” the pale turian muttered and pulled one of my arms over his shoulders, a strong arm wrapping around my waist. “Don't lie to me.” But there was something akin to humor hidden there.

I tried to help him carry me the best I could as he turned us around, aiming for the door. Something blue and bloody teased the corner of my eye and when I looked over I saw Sass laying lifeless on the floor with a hole in her chest. Rage filled me, and without really thinking I reached for the holstered gun at Saren's hip. To my irritation my fingers wouldn't close around the handle.

“Help me,” I crowed.

Armor clad fingers wrapped around my hand and helped me pull the gun up. He followed my indicative movements and trained it at my dead tormentor. My finger only loosely twitched on the trigger, leaving a bitter taste in my mouth as a low growl rose out of it. Saren proceeded to help me empty the thermal clip into the body in front of us, making it twitch every time a bullet hit and penetrated its flesh.

By the end of it I was breathing heavily, my rage of what she had done to me unfulfilled but at least sated for the moment. I didn't look into my mentors face. I was afraid of what I would find there. He was never one to let his emotions run with him on the field and he had chided me for my hotheadedness on more than one occasion in the past, even if last time had been a long time ago. Nowadays I could usually control myself. But this... This was different.

“Let's go,” he muttered as he started to drag me out of the hot room, taking the gun from my hand and replacing it at his hip so he could hold me properly again.

The realization of what Saren had done here started to dawn on me as we made our way through the building. Bodies littered the floor, my captors shot down where they stood. Walls and ceilings were caved in, windows broken, doors smashed asunder and everywhere there were the littered proof of the destruction. The air smelled heavily from heated metal and something I had come to connect with explosive devices.

Not that my teacher was usually very subtle once he entered a base or encampment. Things tended to blow up around him. But this was in a class I hadn't really seen outside places he had decided to simply bomb from orbit. Obviously he hadn't, couldn't have, without risk of hurting me, this time. It was impressive. Maybe I was wrong in thinking he didn't let his emotions run with him. It certainly looked like an angry whirlwind had torn this place apart.

He quickly navigated through the destroyed building, bringing us to ground level and out through a backdoor. We didn't meet any resistance on the way. Maybe he had killed them all or maybe the rest had fled by now.

Fresh air hit my lungs when we finally got clear skies above our heads. It brought with it the cold smell of rain and mold. Had I really only been in there for three days? It felt so strange to breathe clean air again. My prison lay on a flat field. High grass spreading out in all directions and I could see a city a few kilometers away.

As I surveyed our surroundings I glimpsed movement to the left.

“Saren,” I muttered as loudly as I could. My chest burned from moving around this much. Icy blue eyes followed my gaze and locked on the retreating back of the elcor boss making his way over to a couple of vehicles. “He's getting away.”

Saren took a new good grip around me before continuing on our way towards his ship that stood parked a few meters away.

“There are more important things,” he muttered, his voice telling me he was a bit bitter over the fact, but he kept walking in the opposite direction.

I just blinked at him. More important things? I couldn't believe my ears. How long hadn't he drilled into me the importance of finishing the mission? The Spectre would go to incredible lengths to accomplish his goals. A single minded determination driving him when he was on the job.

Yet here he was, carrying his failed student in one direction as the bad guys were getting away. I could only stare at him. He had come for me. For me. He had almost demolished an entire building, killed so many people, in his search to bring me back. My chest pulsed with gratitude and admiration for the pale turian beside me. Maybe even affection, although I wasn't sure if I wanted to admit that. Oh spirits, having him this close... His warmth, his strength, his scent, the pure aura I had come to relate to safety that always surrounded him. Power. He was powerful and he had come for me. He had come for me. For _me._

Of course there also was the question of the kiss. That kiss that he desperately had brought down on me the moment he saw me alive. My heart thudded in a whole different kind of way than from exhaustion when I thought about it.

We boarded his ship and he dragged me to my bunk before starting the engines and I felt the FTL flight take hold of the hull before he returned. With the precise hand of a trained medic Saren stripped me off the rest of my clothing, fetched warm water, a cloth and some antiseptic and carefully started to clean me. To say the attention made me self conscious would be an understatement. The care he took over my bruised hide and around my open wounds was nothing you would have expected from the hard Spectre. It clashed with the look of deep concentration on his battle battered face and the smear of grime and blood on his armor.

Saren worked in silence. I didn't know what to say, but I felt the weight of the dead air between us press down on my psyche until I hardly knew what to do anymore. Then his strong hand slipped over my waist and the sound that unbidden came out of my throat startled even me. The white hands stopped in their administrations and ice blue eyes shot up from his work. I felt my neck getting warm, and although the sound hadn't been entirely innocent I met his gaze dead on.

All of a sudden the air around us was filled with electricity. I could feel it running over my skin and I had to force myself from squirming where I sat, propped up against the wall on my bed. The older turian's breath had slowed so much it almost looked like he was holding it in altogether and I was painfully aware of the hand that hadn't moved from my naked waist. Like a magnetic field drew me towards him I couldn't tear my eyes from his face. They searched every line and curve of his unmarked skin and came to rest on his lips. Three hard thumps in my ears later I forced them up to his eyes again. It was almost too much to remember how they had felt pressed against my own not ten minutes ago.

I was just about to say something, anything, to get him to move closer, when he cleared his throat and got up from his kneeling position on the floor. Our eye contact broke when he turned around and walked over to the bureau that held the antiseptic. My heart sank to the bottom of my stomach like someone had pierced it with a sharp needle and all the air holding it afloat wheezed out.

I watched Saren's back intently as he took a deep breath while preparing the cleaning cloths. What was his problem anyway? Couldn't he see how much I wanted him? What did I have to do to make him take notice? Hadn't the sound of arousal from his touch been enough to get the message across abundantly clear? He had kissed me, I hadn't hallucinated that right? He must have felt the pull towards each other as I had just a moment ago. So what was his fucking problem?

The quiet turian returned to his place on the side of my bed, ignoring my questioning gaze, and started to disinfect my wounds. When I hissed from the stinging pain of the alcohol meeting my unprotected tissue his eyes darted to my face for half a second before they returned to his work.

“Don't be such a hatchling,” he muttered under his breath and moved to the next hole in my body.

“I'm not,” I protested halfheartedly and closed my eyes, resting my head on the wall behind me. But another hiss escaped me when he started in again.

“How'd you find me anyway?” I asked, since the subject I really wanted to discuss obviously wasn't open.

“I tracked down the asari contact,” he answered, his jaws working briefly. The set position in his mandibles told me clearer than words that the asari hadn't cooperated in giving him the information, but that he wasn't about to comment on it. It touched something inside of me, that he had done that, for me.

“And so you came to the building...” I trailed off and let the extent of the destruction be left unspoken. “But did you really have to... Wreck it so totally?”

Saren didn't look at me when he answered.

“I really did.” Bandages and compresses were procured and he wrapped my chest tightly, taping up the clean wounds. His fingers on my skin burned, but for a whole different reason than the hook earlier today. I didn't know you could be so aware of another person. “When was the last time you ate? Are you thirsty?”

Just the thought of food made my stomach ache. I had long since surpassed the natural hunger and the acids in my gizzards wanted to force up a nauseating feeling. I tried to push it down.

“I don't know...” I said honestly with a deep sigh. “I had some water... the other day? How long have I been gone anyway? It was hard keeping track.”

“Three or four days,” Saren answered. “I'll go get you some fluid replacements. Maybe some soup, doubt you'll be able to keep anything else down for a while.” It was obviously not his first run in with starvation.

He left the room briefly and I heard him shuffle around in the kitchen. I was so tired. Screw food. I just wanted to sleep. Everything hurt so bad and I couldn't stop worrying about the loss of feeling and movement in arms and fingers.

Saren returned with a bag of clear liquid that he hooked up by the head of the wall. A needle was entered beneath my skin on one hand. The cool sensation was not as unpleasant as I remembered it being last time. Maybe because I couldn't really feel my hand. He had removed his dirty armor when he was away, and was now wearing his soft, dark civies. Saren sat down beside me on the bed with a bottle of water.

“Can you hold it?” he asked, but raised it to my mouth when I shook my head.

I felt pathetic. He had to feed me. If I wasn't so beyond tired and hurt I would have been ashamed to no end. The other turian was very professional about the entire thing. Keeping his movements precise and steady without any hesitation and I had to wonder if he had been treated in a similar way after one of his missions that had gone awry. Who had taken care of him when he had been unable to limp his own way to the ship? Saren usually worked alone, and I had trouble picturing any of his so called friends being intimate with him in this way. It was beneath him.

I drank slowly, even if my body screamed for me to get as much water down as fast as I could. I knew it wouldn't sit well with me. At one point I got too greedy and some water ended up in the windpipe, sending me into a violent cough. Each breath that forced it's way up, trying to remove the offending liquid, made my head explode with pain, my chest not far behind.

“Take it easy,” Saren mumbled and placed a hand om my shoulder to steady me from toppling over. I almost forgot about coughing when I felt the calloused skin hold me. “Here, try some soup.”

A spoon full of spicy smelling red soup was raised to my lips when the coughing had subsided. It burnt my tongue and the back of my throat, but I wanted more at once. There was little to no bites in it to chew, thankfully, or I had probably given up halfway. The slow pacing Saren sat between spoonfuls frustrated me to no end though.

If it hadn't been for the fact that I couldn't move properly and just spent days being tortured I would have enjoyed the moment. A strong thigh almost touched my own and I could hear every breath he took. The softness in his movements I feared would be a once in a lifetime experience and I tried to print as much of it as I could into my memory.

After a while he placed the now empty bowl on my nightstand.

“Lets get you lying down,” he said and moved to grab me.

Carefully he tipped and rotated me down onto my back. I tried helping the best I could. When he moved to pull away I forced my arms to respond, grabbing for his cowl and pulling him down towards me. Even though my grip couldn't have been more than a whisper he came willingly.

I hadn't been able to think about much else since, after all, so I saw the opportunity when it came.

When his lips met mine again my heart went into a tailspin, forcing me to close my eyes to not get dangerously dizzy. My chest heaved and filled with that pleasant sensation you get from kissing someone you desire. What was better yet was how he reciprocated, pushing into my lips, the scent of his breath filling my nose. It was a heady feeling, his need to deepen the kiss even further by inserting the tongue into my mouth. Warmth started to pool beneath my plates and the horny part of my brain told me to ignore all the pain and push this further. Unable to give in to this feeling due to my immobility I settled for keening desperately.

Pale mandibles fluttered amused when he heard the noise. He pulled back a few millimeters and something unknown and almost tender was in his eyes as he whispered:

“I don't know what I'd done if I had been too late today.”

My throat thickened. He really meant that. The implications swirled in my head and I couldn't do anything else but push up again to capture his lips, nipping them, gaining access to be able to caress his tongue with my own.

It could have gone on for an eternity, maybe two, up until Saren pulled away further. The sound of disappointment came unasked from my mouth in the form of a childish whine. I moved to follow him. To capture those tasty, pale lips and to force him to lie on top of me in my bed. But he placed a hand on my chest gently and held me down.

“There is time enough for that later,” he said and there was actually a grin on his usually so stoic face. “You need to sleep.”

I grumbled something under my breath about what I thought about him leaving me here all hot and bothered. I placed my hands on top of his. I knew he was right, and I had pushed my luck with this as it was. So I conceded.

He squeezed my fingers and I wished I could feel our skin meeting, before he stood up properly.

“Sleep,” he ordered. “We're heading for the Citadel. We'll be there in a day or so. I'll wake you when we arrive.” Then he left the room.

He came in later, with another bowl of soup and a water bottle. It felt like dragging myself up out of a deep dark hole when he gently shook me to wake up. I didn't want the food, I just wanted to sleep. But Saren was relentless. I fell back into oblivion the moment the last red fluid left the bowl.

When I woke the next time he had other people with him. A salarian doctor with huge black eyes and a handful of people buzzing around him. I was moved to a stretcher, despite my objection that I could walk just fine, which I couldn't, and carried off the ship into a waiting medical transport.

It wasn't until I saw the look on one of the human nurses face that I realized how bad things were. She came into the room I was entered in on the hospital, her nose deep in a data pad. When she looked over at me her whole face fell. Her cheeks turned a blotchy gray color and her eyes went big. It only lasted for a second, but I knew. This wasn't going to be something that I could walk out of here with tomorrow. I knew I hurt, Spirits did I know, but Saren hadn't even seemed worried when he patched me up. Maybe he wouldn't. He had probably seen much worse in his time. Maybe been worse.

They gave me drugs, sedatives of different kinds, painkillers. The doctor explaining the whole procedure to me as he did so. He listed all my ailments. My head swam and I couldn't really hear him, I just nodded and hoped it was for the best. I caught something about broken ribs, dead nerve endings, dehydration, lacerations of different kinds. But after a while it simply became too much to keep up. Or maybe the medicine started working, I couldn't tell.

It wasn't until I saw Saren from the corner of my eye moving towards the door that my heart went up and lodged itself firmly in my throat.

“No,” I forced out through the thickness and reached instinctively towards him.

I didn't want him to leave. Some part of me knew I was being silly, that I was perfectly fine under the doctor's care. But it didn't matter to me. I had just been through an ordeal without compare and the only place that didn't make me panic was by his side. I knew he would protect me, whatever may come.

Saren walked back to my bed and looked down on me.

“You'll be fine, Nihlus,” he told me, leaning on his knuckles on the bed, making it dip slightly next to me.

“Don't leave,” I pleaded. I was too tired and dosed up on drugs to care about my own pride at the moment.

I could see his resolve wavering beneath the uncaring mask he carried always. His blue eyes flickering around my face. Then his jaw set and his mandibles pulled in tight and I knew I had lost him.

“I can't,” he said, maybe a bit colder than before. Or maybe it was just my imagining. “I need to report to the Council.” That was true of course. “I'll be back later to check on you.”

“We need to roll you into operation anyway,” the salarian doctor piped in helpfully. “We have quite some damage to repair here.”

My heart sank and I closed my eyes. The odds were against me. Fine then. I didn't say anything, just kept from looking at him as they rolled me away towards a different room. It wasn't very mature of me, but I couldn't help but feel that Saren had started to pull away from me again.

I was correct in the assumption that I would be held in the hospital for a while. I spent the following days recuperating, dazing in and out of sleep, but it wasn't very restful. Each time I closed my eyes I saw the dark room and smelled the dank air of the cellar. I could swear I heard the metal hook hiss in the fire. It set me startling out of sleep each time with a heart that wanted to pound its way through my ribcage.

It eased up somewhat when they assigned me to physiotherapy. I didn't have to lay awake, my thoughts running wild with the sounds of monitoring machines as only company any longer. I was also relieved to hear that I would get back full function of my arms and hands. But it took time. Every day I worked together with a turian personal trainer. She was a kind and soft spoken character at first glance, her fair, cream colored skin with light blue markings giving her a pleasant look. Turned out she could both take it and dish it out like the best of them. I wasn't a quitter, my time with Saren had stomped out what little of that I had to begin with. But as my muscles slowly healed and nerves started to grow back I couldn't help but become frustrated at times. My temper flared and lashed out when I was tired, which was most of the time. But she kept me on track, her will unbreakable.

Saren came to visit when he could. After my operation he told me the council had granted me leave of absence, bringing to focus an all important question.

“You'll go back to being my student when you're... feeling better again,” Saren assured me. _When you're useful again,_ was what I heard even if he might not mean it that way.

“What about you?” I asked.

He shrugged.

“There are still dark places with evil people out there. I'll go look for something to shoot at,” he answered.

And he did. It felt weird to see him fly away in his ship without me. Off to another adventure that I wouldn't be a part of.

A week after I first got to the hospital he came back. I had progressed so far I could walk on my own again, even if my grip still was negligible and I had to stop to rest every so often. I hadn't realized how long it took for all the people we saved to heal and be able to take care of themselves again. It frustrated me to no end. I wanted to be out there, fighting. Or at least be able to hold my own damn plate and utensils. I asked the doctors if they could do anything to speed up the process. They just shook their heads and told me to hurry slowly. My body had to heal in its own time. Yeah, well it took too damn long.

My complaining had Saren smirking as we walked out of the building to get some fresh air in the garden next to it. It was nice to see my mentor again. Really nice even. When we stopped to let me rest on a bench overlooking a smaller field of green grass edged with flowers from all kinds of different worlds he told me what he had been up to. It wasn't anything groundbreaking, but it was great to feel connected to the work we used to do again.

He kept his distance. Sitting on the other end of the bench. It was exhilarating to be around him again. The aura of safety he emitted, all the different familiar smells. I just wanted him to wrap his arm around my waist and remind me just how good he tasted. But he wouldn't and kept that infuriatingly polite space between us wherever we went.

On another day I might have pushed. But I felt I had made my intentions perfectly clear, I couldn't force him to like me that way and I didn't want to. I wanted him to want me because he wanted to.

We kept in touch through messaging as another week passed. His messages coming in spurts, several at once as he came in range with a communication buoy. It was mostly updates on his current mission. Some vague enough references to where and when it was in case the channel was hijacked. It was sent through the spectre network, but Saren had always been a bit paranoid, and apparently with good results, seeing how he had survived for so long.

I still slept bad. Nightmares haunting my dreams. Unfortunately it didn't take long before the doctors caught on and they sent me to a councilor. That was _not_ something I agreed with them on. It felt awkward and strange and just plain wrong. Talking about what had happened would not change anything. It was in the past, I just had to move on. There was nothing I could do about what had been done to me. I had already shot my tormentor, and most everyone who knew her had died during Saren's assault.

“I know you don't feel like this is very constructive,” the asari who was to be my spiritual guide told me after our fourth fruitless session. “But you obviously don't feel very secure anymore. Maybe you could do something to counter that? When do you feel the safest?”

That was the first night I slept with a gun under my pillow, and what a great sleep it was.

 


	4. Not Him

His call came in as I was practicing in the range. A little more than two weeks of rehabilitation had left me almost fully healed. The wonder of modern science coming through in the end. It still felt as if I couldn't hit those really hard shots, like my finger hesitated slightly on the trigger. But maybe that was just because I had been more or less bed bound for so long.

Saren's holo image flickered slightly over my omni-tool.

“Nihlus,” he greeted with a curt nod.

I took the last shot of the exercise and lowered my gun.

“Saren.” I couldn't help the dance of happiness my mandibles were doing. It had been some time since I last heard from him. Not that I had been worried, he had told me he would be out of range for a couple of days. Still, it was nice to get an assurance.

“You're getting discharged from the hospital today,” he informed me, direct and without any smalltalk, per usual.

This was news to me. I had been wanting to leave for a few days now, but my doctors had dragged it out to keep me under observation until last minute to make sure everything had healed properly. Apparently they were concerned I would overexert myself. Ridiculous.

“Finally,” I sighed, relieved.

“That means you're back to Spectre duty. I recently picked up some information about the whereabouts of mr Petrosky.” He eyed me closely as the name perked my interest. “I thought at least one of us would want some closure on the matter.” He paused for a second before continuing. “The doctor told me you haven't been sleeping well.”

Of course he had told him. I wanted to disappear into the floor. That was the last thing I needed. Saren thinking I couldn't handle the job because of this.

“When do we leave?” I forced all hesitation out of my voice. He would get no reason to doubt my resolve. I had thought Saren had already dealt with the elcor boss on his own. But suddenly I was very happy that he hadn't. Revenge might have been an ugly word in our business, but closure was something we all craved. Especially when someone of our own got hurt.

My mentor seemed satisfied with my eagerness to close up this chapter.

“Not _we_ , _you_.” I froze where I stood, staring at the faintly orange apparition of the pale turian. “It is about time you took on a mission on your own, and the Council have approved.”

This was good news. Or so I tried to convince myself. It meant I was close to getting that sought after Spectre status. But it also meant I wouldn't be joining up with Saren again. It felt wrong, somehow.

“I have already prepared for a ship to be signed in your name, at least for this mission. After that you can change if it doesn't suit you. You'll be leaving tomorrow morning. I'm sending all the details of where right now.”

I couldn't speak, or think. A ship? My own ship? I could go anywhere, do anything. I had free reigns to deal with the criminals as I saw fit. I no longer had to take orders from Saren. The thought was staggering, and a bit scary.

“Nihlus?” Saren's voice pierced into my whirling thoughts. “That is, if you feel up to the challenge of taking this on on your own?” Half transparent eyebrows creased together as he watched me.

I shook my head to try to clear it.

“Yes,” I said. “I mean I am, ready. And very honored.”

His mandibles closed in on him and he nodded once again.

“Good. You'll hear from me later with mission details. Saren out.” The small image of my mentor flickered and disappeared.

It took a while before I gathered myself so much I could pack up and leave the shooting range.

Back at the hospital I quickly gathered what little clothing I had there and started to plan what to do next. The doctors had signed my release papers and I had a whole afternoon and night to fill before I was to report to this new ship of mine. That thought caught me off guard for a moment. A whole ship for myself. Weird. I hadn't had much of anything that I could call my own for the longest time. Not since my mother urged me to join the turian military, and even before that we lived on a cramped station together with the rest of the mercenary crew. It had been bunk after bunk as I was moved from ship to ship the last couple of years. But maybe this ship too was temporary. It had sounded on Saren as if he intended me to pick up other missions on my own after this one. But you never knew.

The question remained though, with my mentor somewhere out there in the galaxy, where was I to stay for the night?

I had just pulled my bag onto my shoulder when someone knocked on the door frame to get my attention.

“So you're finally shipping out of here, huh?” I turned around to see my physiotherapy trainer leaning casually by the door.

“Finally,” I agreed. She had been the one to bear the brunt of my complaint during my captivity.

“So...” Her light blue eyes traced me from top to toe and back up again. “Since you're officially not my patient any more, would it be weird if I asked you out for a drink?”

I took a few steps towards her, giving myself some time to think.

“I leave for a mission tomorrow morning,” I said, not wanting to snob her off, but it was true. I didn't know what her intentions were, she had acted perfectly professional during my stay here, not leaving any hint she had a personal interest in me.

“I know,” she said. There was a lewd tilt in her sub-harmonics and her mandibles splayed slightly in a smirk.

Oh. Right. I could take a hint. Spirits knew I hadn't had a good lay in forever. Besides, she was a fine example of a turian woman, to be sure, and I liked her well enough. Only... _You wanted it to be someone else who asked you._ Yeah, no. I didn't know what kind of game Saren was playing, but was I really ready to give up a night of fun when he was being so elusive? Not to mention several light years away. He didn't have to know. I certainly didn't plan to tell him. Besides, he'd probably had his own string of lovers during the past weeks. We hadn't promised each other anything, so why was I hesitating?

I wasn't, I told myself and hefted the bag higher up on the shoulder. I was just going through my options. It was called strategizing.

“What'd you have in mind?” I asked and stepped even closer, just to the border of being impolite. I tilted my head a bit to look down on her with a grin. This look had never failed me before, and it didn't fail me now. I could hear her lower harmonics ever so subtly changing pitch even though she tried to hide it. The look she shot back however was clearly challenging.

So it happened I spent the evening with a lovely lady at a bar of her choosing. It wasn't exactly a nightclub, but there was a dance floor in one corner. The music allowed you to hear what the other person was saying and the bartender mixed good drinks. There were worse ways of spending a free evening.

We were already well on our way through our second round of the night. It was still early and the people kept walking in to the quickly filling establishment as the hours went by. She was easy to talk to and we already knew each other well enough from the weeks before that it was a simple matter of finding a topic of interest we both shared. Turned out she was still serving her time for the Hierarchy and her position at the hospital was a loan, so she could better learn to treat different species while they in turn got someone who was specialized in turians.

We sat close in a booth by the dance floor. But the rapidly wilder movements in front of us passed us by. I rested on one arm over the back of the sofa, turned so I could look at her. She sat close enough that I could easily stroke her fringe if I wanted. Oh, I wanted to, I just wasn't sure it was the right time yet. Pacing in these matters were crucial. She sat with one leg over the other, face towards me, our knees almost touching.

“So how did you become a Spectre?” she asked while swirling the drink around the bottom of her glass. It was time to order another round.

I leaned over to punch in the order in the center of the table before returning to my previous position and answering:

“I'm not a Spectre, yet.”

“Details. You said it yourself, right? They want you to start running solo, the title can't be far behind, can it?” She rested one elbow on the top of the sofa, just next to my arm.

I shrugged, while trying to focus on the subject at hand. The warmth of her was distracting.

“You never know. Maybe I don't measure up?” I tried to sound dismissive, like it didn't matter. But the thought had crossed my mind more than once. Especially during the last couple of weeks.

“Sure you will,” she said with a short laugh. “If you can bounce back from this, looking just as smashing as before, then you shouldn't have any problem.”

“Smashing huh?” I raised a teasing eyebrow.

She looked a bit guilty.

“So I might have followed your career before I met you,” she admitted. “But you have to agree that some of the things you do out there are rather impressive.”

Now it was my time to laugh.

“So a fan, is it?” I grinned down at her.

“You don't mind, do you?” The arm that was resting right by mine fell forward and her hand landed on my shoulder. Fingers trailed up over scales and down to the soft skin on the inside of my cowl.

I had to repress a shudder. Her fingertips were cold against my neck.

“No, I'm okay with that, yes,” I answered and graced the back of her neck, up the thick protective scales and in under her short fringe.

Her palm flattened out on my neck for a second before her talons dug into the hide slightly, a content rumble emanating from deep within her chest. I gripped the back of her head and guided it forward and up until I could press my lips against hers. The answering rumble from my own chest much deeper than hers.

I moved our lips together, testing for approval of my brave move. Turned out I had it. She moved even closer, our thighs touching as she stroked my neck gently and hummed into the kiss. Warmth started pooling beneath my plates. How could it not, when she stretched her back to have easier access to my mouth, making her waist angle perfectly in the dim light. I placed my free hand on her knee. She deepened the kiss, our tongues touching briefly as we both drew in breath. She smelled sweet, like home baked desserts in the summer. Soft and round. Like she would yield under my simplest touch.

_Not like metal and spice, strong and solid. Someone who would push you back and make you beg for it until morning came._

_Not helpful._

A cream colored hand found it's way to my waist and squeezed lightly, rubbing the soft fabric of my tunic over the sensitive skin. That got my attention. To further distract myself I started trailing my hand up her leg. Letting it drift higher and higher, my thumb gracing the inner part of her thigh now and then.

I should just try to focus on her right now. This woman who so obviously wanted me. I couldn't believe I had to tell myself that. It had never been a problem before. Maybe I'd find a way to punish Saren next time I met him for sneaking into the brief time I had with this girl. A voice in the back of my head nodded it's approval and sent me ideas for ways to punish him. Spirits! I needed to concentrate.

So I put some pressure under my fingers, massaging the crease of her hip and leg. Put a little more passion into our tongues. She almost crawled up into my lap at that point. Her talons tugging at my shirt, pulling me closer, our chests almost touching. She hummed again, a fire behind her voice.

The world around us dimmed away. The throbbing music and the writhing bodies just a blur in my peripheral. Her body was warm and willing and it felt good to be wanted for once. Her pheromones played havoc on my brain and sent warmth all the way down my spine to pool in my gut. Stuff wanted out. Wanted to shift open and have a say. I wanted to run my fingers up under her skirt and see if she was as hot as me. I let my fingers nudge the edge of it, but kept from going further. Say what you want about Spectre immunity, it would still be an awkward affair to be dragged to C-Sec for indecent behavior in a public place.

What finally brought us out of our barely contained lustful haze was a politely voiced cough.

“Your drinks,” said the asari waitress with a smirk and a blush.

“Th...” I had to clear my throat for it had grown tight, and yet my voice came out more gravely than usual. “Thanks.” I swallowed and laughed awkwardly as I passed my lady friend her drink. “Well...” I gave her a lewd grin. We were way past being subtle. “I believe I've been misjudging your skill as a trainer.”

Her mandibles lowered and shook a bit, showing embarrassment, but there was a smile on her lips and a raised eyebrow.

“What do you mean?” she asked.

“If you'd done that from the start I'd been loose and ready to go weeks ago.”

She looked away for a second, not meeting my intent eyes.

“But then I would not have gotten the chance to get to know you,” she said and looked up, her confidence back. “And missed that kiss, to boot.” She shook her head with a teasing smile and a mischievous glint in her eyes.

“That would have been a shame, indeed,” I said and peeked at her from over the edge of my glass.

“Can't miss out on the worlds great adventures, now can we?” She sipped her drink.

“No, we can't.”

Our words were nonsense and I hardly registered what was being said. I couldn't take my eyes off how she tilted her head to show off her neck. Tender, smooth and fair. It had my fingers twitch with want, now that I knew how she smelled, now that I could imagine how it would be to bite and nibble and suck...

We didn't stay at the bar for long after that. I asked her to dance just to have an excuse to touch her again, to feel her close. On the floor, in the limited space between the other moving bodies it was easy to have a reason to press into her. But truth be told, we were both too wound up to keep our hands to ourselves for long. We both knew what this night would lead to. That was what she had really been asking when she offered to have a drink with me. We both knew how it worked when a soldier were on shore leave and the possibility to see each other again were slim to none, and we were both okay with that.

The time from the pub to her apartment passed in a blur, a needy, full of lustful gazes, kind of blur. The corridor just outside her place filled with dampened purrs and growls. I had her back pinned to my chest, my fingers gripping her hips and I pressed myself against her backside while nuzzling her neck. Licking the edge of her mandible had her fail to press in the correct code into the door panel for the third time.

“You need help with that?” I murmured, my voice husky, in her ear while one of my hands slipped down her abdomen, towards the space between her legs.

“No,” she protested, but I could feel her muscles contract in anticipation against my fingertips.

Finally she got the door open and she dragged me in with her. Our clothes dropped next to our feet in a trail behind us as she led me to her bedroom. All I took stock of in my surroundings was that there was a soft mattress beneath her that I could make her tear open tonight.

When I crawled up over her, pressing her legs apart to make room, and made our open plates touch for the first time there was a unison of moans and groans coloring the space around us. Fingers, strong from helping people train back muscles all day, grasped around my neck and forced my mouth hard against her lips. I felt the outline of her teeth behind her mouth plates when she dipped her tongue out to search for new tastes.

My head swam and I groaned when I emerged. Not having the patience to wait for comprehension or acceptance I first let my length run up and down against the soft tissues exposed between her legs, already wet and waiting. My next thrust went into her, trying to get as deep as I could in one go. She cried out, her vibrating voice letting me know how much she enjoyed it and how much more she wanted. Her face turned away from me, her neck arching, trying to make itself as long as possible. Splayed out, her legs shifting, one wrapping around my hip and across my back, pushing me deeper after I pulled away some. The other bending as far out to the side it could to give me full access.

If I wasn't dizzy from lust already, this would have driven me crazy, and it almost did. I braced my knees wider apart to get better leverage and licked my way down to her soft exposed neck. When I bit down with a savage growl, my teeth digging in deeply in the thick hide covering the space between shoulder and neck she bucked against me hard.

“Nihlus!” she moaned out loud and it struck me how wrong it sounded in my own ears.

The voice I wanted to yell my name wasn't high pitched and thin like hers. It was supposed to be gravely, dry and deep, reverberating with trust and desire.

_No!_ He was  _not_ allowed to crawl into this moment and destroy my time of bliss. I drove into the pliant woman beneath me hard. She huffed, her talons digging into my biceps. Saren was  _not_ allowed to infest even the most private times of my life. This was  _my_ time. Not  _his_ , and I'd be damned if I let him ruin it for me. 

I pounded into her again and again. Taking out my frustration and anger, channeling it into an energy that gave me pleasure as the ridges of her insides rubbed against my own, making me see stars. She felt so good, soft tissue yielding at my every move. Her moans and pleas in my ears my own private kind of music. 

“Yes,” she cried out. “Oh Spirits, _please_ , faster, harder, oh _Nihlus_!”

I didn't mind complying, not one bit. I felt my body starting to tense at each of her shudders. Our mingled smells of arousal filling me up, closing me in, only seeing her. Only caring about the wonderful sensations of pleasure she sent into my body at every grind she made her hips do to meet me halfway. Her talons groped and clawed, catching in the spaces between my plates, drawing huffs of sound out of me.

“Hng... Dear mother of all... Fuck yeah, _fuck_...” I cursed as I felt myself peak. My muscles cramping, my hips snapping without abandon against hers. Wanting to be pushed over that edge and into oblivion as fast as possible. 

Then I felt her contract and pulse and she let out a high pitch scream and threw her head back. My spine arched and I came hard, a howling growl leaving my lips. 

“ _Sssaaaarrrrngghh!_ ” I bit my teeth together, my heart freezing in my chest for a second as my mind reeled from what I had almost just yelled. I rocked into her a few more times to drag out the blinding pleasure, trying to forget about my almost mistake, to push it as far away as possible. I felt myself pulse and release with each heartbeat.

It took a while to get down to the ground again. But when I did I gingerly pulled out of her with a weak whine, my nerves overstimulated, and flopped down next to her on the bed. Drowsily she crawled over to me, her limbs entangling over my body, and nuzzled her face into my shoulder. Oblivious to what was invading my mind. With strong, red arms I pulled her close and enjoyed the warmth radiating from her body as her after buzz slowly floated her off to sleep.

I was left awake with a cold feeling in the pit of my stomach. What was wrong with me? Why couldn't I even enjoy some carefree sex without my infuriating mentor popping into my head? This was weird and unlike anything I had ever experienced before and I wasn't sure I liked it.

The humans have a saying about a law named after a man called Murphy. It states that 'anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.' I think this is why my omni-tool decided this to be a good time to let me know I had an incoming call and I, in my post coital haze didn't check the callers identity before I picked up.

“Nihlus.” The transparent picture of Saren gave me his curt nod and even graced me with a small smile.

“Saren?” My body tensed worse than during climax, my heart going from a steady, relaxed beat to a hundred and eighty in one second. I sat up with a start. He could not be calling right now. Had I drifted off and started dreaming without me noticing it? This had to be a nightmare.

“I know it is late, but I figured you would still be awa....” my mentor drifted off suddenly his eyes going to something next to me.

My theory about nightmares was proven when the weight next to me shifted and I felt warm thin fingers wrap around my shoulder when she leaned against me.

“Saren?” she asked curiously. Apparently she hadn't been as deep asleep as I had thought. “It's such an honor to meet you.” She splayed her mandibles in a pleasant smile, one that the turian shapes hologram did not return.

I could see how his mandibles pulled in tight as his face closed, his back stretched and his shoulders lowered to a proud stature. I felt sick. The state of our undress, not to mention that I was not alone in the middle of the night, spoke volumes. There was no way he didn't know what we had just done. Unreasonably I directly wanted to apologize, to try to explain, to say I was sorry. But I couldn't get a word out. His face was frozen emotionless and I couldn't read what was going on in his mind.

What he said next however left me without a doubt.

“That is one way to get a good night sleep, I presume.” Judgmental and disappointment. Why was those emotions so well known to me coming from him? “I was going to go over your new mission. But maybe I'll come back tomorrow when you have the time to do your job.”

It wouldn't have been more hurtful if he had slapped me. I had difficulty to breath, my chest muscles cramping in on themselves. This was so wrong. He could not think I'd take pleasure over duty. Besides, if he had been less elusive and actually showed me that he cared it could have been him that now sat beside me in bed. That thought hurt even more.

“Saren, wait I...”

But he had already ended the transmission and his image flickered and died, and along with it it felt as if something within me did too.

“What an ass,” my lady company muttered and laid down again.

I laughed, because what else could I do? This whole thing was nuts. Nothing made any sense any more.

“Yes, I suppose he is,” I agreed as she pulled me down to her. 

She nuzzled my neck and kissed it softly.

“Will you still stay the night?” she asked.

I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her close, seeking comfort in her warmth. I could not think about being alone right now. I'd bury myself down into a deep dark hole if I did.

“Yes, yes I will,” I mumbled and shifted down into the comfortable pillows.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I debated long and hard with myself as to if I should write out the smut part or not. Then I figured... why the hell not? It doesn't remove anything from the story and who doesn't like two turians fucking hard, right? Hope you, dear reader, have enjoyed anyway.


End file.
